Dog envy

I've been finding myself yearning for a dog again. I went through a phase in about 2005/2006 when I was frequently checking the humane society's website, taking quizzes online to see what kind of breed would fit us best, looking into the best dog training strategies, and all sorts of dog-related research. By the summer of 2006 I was a little obsessed. Which is a little crazy, because I'm really not a dog person. Like, really not a dog person. I grew up with cats, I love cats, and find cats to be the perfect companions for so many reasons. So why was I looking at dogs? It took me a long time to admit it to myself, much less to anyone else, but that was the start of my baby fever. I didn't really want a dog, I wanted a kid! But since I wasn't ready to admit that to anyone, including myself, it came out in a totally sideways manner. Once I realized that, however, the dog envy fizzled out pretty quickly.

But now I've been doing it again. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at the humane society website. I've held long debates with myself in my head in order to justify my yearning for a dog, which in the end boils down to my thought that "It's so much easier to go for a long walk with company, and I want to go on more long walks throughout the week, so a dog would be the perfect walking buddy!" Of course, throughout this repeated internal debate, I somehow conveniently forget to remind myself that (1) I generally think dogs smell. No matter how clean they are, I've never met a dog without a funk, (2) Dogs make it really hard to travel. Or go out for happy hour after work. Or sleep in when I'm lazy and it's dark and cold outside, (3) I hate dealing with poo. Cleaning the litterbox is tolerable, but touching warm poo through a little plastic baggie is beyond disgusting to me, and (4) I live in an 800-square-foot house with a husband, two cats, and lots of "stuff" - we're already bursting from the seams, so how in the world would a dog fit in here?

So then, like a good psychologist, a couple days ago I dutifully asked myself why I would yearning so much for a dog right now. After sitting with that question for several days, I realized it's (once again) displaced baby lust. I really want a kid, but I'm absolutely terrified! I'm scared of one day starting to "try" again, and having to go through the cycle of supreme hope followed by utter disappointment each and every month. I'm scared that I went through this surgery for nothing. I'm scared that I will get pregnant and then I'll have yet another miscarriage. I'm scared that I'll get pregnant and then we'll get further along and this time have a stillbirth.  I'm scared of everything that could possibly go wrong. I'm afraid that every time I've gotten scared before (about infertility or about miscarriage), my exact fears have come true. I'm scared that even by thinking these things that I'm somehow guaranteeing something bad to happen.

So is it any wonder that I'd want a dog instead? I can almost guarantee that if I walk into the humane society tomorrow, I would be able to adopt a wonderful dog. They wouldn't tell me I could have one and then take back the offer. They wouldn't tell me they were open for business then refuse to let me in their doors. They wouldn't  let me bring the dog home to plan for our future together and then take it back in the middle of the night. And I would do a darn good job of providing a loving home for that dog. It would be well fed, well loved, and basically spoiled rotten. Given the chance, I would know everything there is to know about raising a dog, and I would do it well.

But I don't want a dog. I truly don't. As hard as it is to admit that to myself (and to all of you), getting a dog would be settling - and I don't want to settle in life! I need to keep reminding myself of what Mike said to me tonight:  "We will have a child one day. If not next year, then maybe five years from now. And who knows if it will biologically be ours or whether we'll adopt. But once we do have that kid, we're going to love it like crazy and it's going to be the perfect child for us and at the perfect time for us."

So the next time you hear me talking about wanting a dog, could you all please remind me of what Mike said? I can sometimes use help getting out of my own head, because it can be pretty exhausting to have to listen to myself. And getting a dog will most definitely not stop my craziness, not matter how much I might want to believe it.