HSG

Just got back from the HSG. We won't have the full results until my follow-up appointment at the end of next week, but in the mean time I thought I would amuse you with my comparison of how they describe the procedure vs. what it was actually like.

This is from the patient information sheet I got:
Before the procedure:  Because this procedure may cause some uterine cramping or pain, you may want to take three 200mg ibuprofen 30 minutes before the procedure.
During the procedure: Your doctor will insert a small plastic catheter into your uterus through a vaginal speculum. Dye will then be injected through the catheter into your uterus. This allows your uterus and fallopian tubes to be seen while Xray images are taken. It helps your doctor see if your fallopian tubes are open or blocked. Your doctor and the radiologist will monitor the entire exam process.
After the procedure: It is not unusual to experience one or more of the following symptoms after your procedure: vaginal discharge, light spotting, cramping similar to menstrual cramps, dizziness, nausea.

This is the information I should have gotten:
Before the procedure:  You likely will not sleep well for a few days leading up to the procedure. This will likely make you tired, crabby, and anxious on the day of the procedure. Just to be on the safe side, you may want to take 800mg of ibuprofen 45 minutes before the procedure.  Once you check in at the clinic, you will have to wear a hospital gown and then have to traipse through the entire radiology suite, with the fear that everyone is getting unsolicited views of your backside. You will then wait 20 minutes for the doctor (who is not really your doctor, but rather your doctor's associate who was the only one available for the procedure) who is, of course, running late. During this time you will be debating in your mind whether you want the results to show an abnormality (so it can be fixed) or whether you want it to come out clean (so you have one less thing to worry about). It may cause you to chuckle when your husband hits his head on the Xray machine and puts his radiation smock on backwards, but then you will likely become annoyed when the tech seems more concerned about his comfort than your own.
During the procedure:  Your doctor will warn you that you "might feel some mild cramping" as she inserts the catheter and then the dye. This will do nothing to prepare you for the moderate-to-severe pain (not cramping) that you experience. You should try to take long, slow breaths, but the pain will still rival what you experienced the week before when you had an ovarian cyst rupture. This will likely cause you to second guess your pain threshold, and you will feel like a big wimp. You may wish that you had taken the leftover vicodin you had from the previous week, rather than simply taking ibuprofen. Then you will regret even having that thought, because you are terrified of becoming addicted to opiates. The 5-10 minutes of the procedure will feel like some of the longest of your life. You will be very thankful that you have your wonderful husband at your side to hold your hand (or rather, to hold your shoulders, since the only place he is allowed to stand in the radiology room is at the head of the Xray table).You may overhear your doctor and the radiologist talking amongst themselves about the results, but you will have no idea how to decipher their jargon. You will wonder how they are comparing your whimpering to the reactions of other women who have had this procedure.
After the procedure: You will feel lightheaded and weak. Luckily you have an amazing husband who will take you to DQ afterward for a belated celebration of the 119th anniversary of the ice cream sundae. (Except that he will only get water, so you will feel a bit self-conscious as you scarf down your blizzard to help dull the remaining "discomfort" in your uterus, fully realizing that you are also using food for emotional comfort). After you get home you will feel silly for feeling so tired, but will nevertheless take an afternoon nap. You will think of about a million questions that you forgot to ask during the procedure, and now the answers will have to wait until your follow-up appointment. Your abdominal cavity will feel just "not right" (not pain, but just not exactly normal), so you may even decide to take a second nap after you update your blog about the whole experience.