What a whirlwind week of emotional peaks and valleys. Last weekend, for the first time in recent memory, Mike and I had absolutely nothing planned for the entire weekend. It was the perfect antidote to the chaos (as welcomed and wonderful as it was) of traveling to Yellowstone. It was such an amazing trip, but it always takes me awhile to recover from vacation. This past weekend was just what I needed in order to relax and rejuvenate - by Monday morning I felt like I was back on track and ready to return to my usual routines. Monday I got caught up on a lot of my work, then in the afternoon we learned that Mike's aunt Susie had suddenly become quite ill. She has been battling metastatic breast cancer for the past year and apparently her condition rapidly deteriorated over the weekend. On Monday she entered hospice, and Mike and Anne quickly bought us tickets so we could be with his family later in the week. (I am such a curmudgeon for even mentioning this, but last minute plane tickets to Orlando in March are expensive.) I spent Monday afternoon working with the front desk at my work to reschedule as many clients as possible for the next 2 days, then got home late and started packing. The highlight of my day, despite the family tragedy, was receiving the results of my bloodwork from my recent medical exam - everything (FSH, estradiol, prolactin, and TSH) was within normal limits! So there appears to be no endocrine reason to account for our fertility issues. Tuesday was a long day with many clients and lots of paperwork. I got home with a little time to finalize my packing, then I went straight to bed. Wednesday I had my first client at 7am (I'm glad that's not a regular thing!) and saw people back to back until Mike picked me up just after noon. We got Anne then went straight to the airport. It was around that time that it really hit me: Susie was sick enough to be dying. And what a range of thoughts and emotions were associated with that realization. From hope that she would still be alive (so she and Mike and Anne could say goodbye) to hope that she would pass (both for her to be at peace and so I wouldn't have to go to hospice) to a lot of anxiety (what would we say? would we be intruding?) and guilt (what kind of person hopes for someone else's death, just because that would be easier for them?). Wednesday was a long day of travel stress and general worry. The bright spot was getting upgraded to business class, which was certainly a treat! As Mike noted, however, "nowhere is the American class system more evident than with the airlines." I had no idea the rich had it so good! Priority boarding (and hence priority in placing one's carryons in the overhead bins), unlimited alcoholic beverages, being called by name by the flight attendants, free snacks during the flight, the list goes on and on. Quite a change from the "stack 'em in and herd 'em out" mentality of coach. Which all turned out to be quite the juxtaposition from our crappy car rental. Let me preface this by saying that car rental companies have such a racket going on - it's amazing what they can get away charging for a car, and even more amazing what they can charge us poor suckers who had to make last-minute travel arrangements! We opted for Company X, since it was the only place offering cars for less than $100 (one hundred dollars!) per day - however, in retrospect we perhaps should have been a bit more cautious in renting from a place that charged us less than half the rate all their competition. About two hours after landing (no, we didn't check any bags), we finally drove off in our rental. I decided that Company X could accurately advertise themselves as "half the price, twice the hassle!" Anyway, we finally made it to Auburndale (Susie's home town, about an hour outside Orlando) at 10:30pm. What an exhausting day! But it would turn out to be not nearly as exhausting as Thursday, albeit in an entirely different way. After showering and dining on our complimentary continental breakfast (B&Bs have spoiled me forever! At least the hotel's pool almost made up for the awful breakfast), we headed out to the hospice. I had only been at one other hospice in my life, when my Grandma Baker was dying. Yet although my grandma was very ill, she was not nearly as ill as Susie. When we walked into the room I immediately regretted every self-absorbed thought I had had and my heart went out to Susie. I wouldn't have recognized her but for all the photos in the room and her sisters at her bedside. Seeing someone so vastly different from how you remember them in the prime of their health is quite a shock. She was emaciated, struggling to breathe, and was having intermittent seizures. Her body was still there, but was she? It was amazing to see a part of her still holding on. What was the thread that was keeping her tethered to this world? And what could I possibly say or do that might be a comfort to anyone in this situation? As the niece-in-law, I struggled to find my place. I concentrated on making myself into a calming presence, running errands, and generally trying to assist those who were clearly much more central to Susie's life than I was. And yet just being in this situation broke my heart on so many levels. I mourned for Mary, Louise and Janice as they struggled to make peace and say goodbye. I mourned for Susie, who had only just found happiness after a series of tragedies in life. I mourned for Susie's kids as I imagined having to say goodbye to one's parent, and for Sparlin as I imagined having to say goodbye to one's beloved spouse - and yet I also quickly pushed these thoughts out of my mind, for it's simply too painful to imagine losing my parents or my husband. Even writing those words seems like tempting the fates and I, the agnostic, find myself wanting to pray to someone to please not take my dear ones from me!! The one redeeming quality I can see to having to face death in the circle of life is that it gives you the perspective to remember and appreciate the people who are most close to your heart. With that, I think I've found some meaning this tragedy: I am here not only to support Mike and his family, but also so I can be reminded of everyone who is important to me. (Mike, my parents, my extended family, my friends...) I hope Susie and everyone she has loved can also come to a place of peace and understand in the face of such great sadness. Rest. Love. Accept.
Susie passed away in the early morning hours on Friday March 11. Here is her obituary from the local paper:
SUZANNE BROWN, 52AUBURNDALE - Mrs. Suzanne Roles Brown, 52, entered eternal life on March 11, 2011 after a courageous battle with breast cancer. Suzanne grew up in Minnesota and spent a few years in upper Michigan before moving to Auburndale, Florida.
Suzanne loved the Auburndale community and especially found pleasure in her work at Good Shepherd Hospice. She has touched many lives during her career as a social worker encouraging patients and supporting families as they experienced end of life situations. Suzanne was also instrumental in the success of Camp Brave Heart providing a positive experience for children affected by a loss in their young lives.
Suzanne will be especially missed by her beloved husband, Sparlin, and her children, Sarah, Luke and Mark Whitney. She will also be sorely missed by her sisters and brother-in-laws: Mary Ellen Roles & Mike Fleischhacker, Louise & Bruce Plagman, Janice & Tom Patterson; many nieces and nephews, her best friend Kathy Buck and family, her stepchildren, grandchildren, and numerous friends. She is preceded in death by her parents, Mike and Polly Roles.
A celebration of Suzanne's life will take place at First Presbyterian Church of Auburndale, 410 Pilaklakaha Ave on March 13th at 3:00 PM. Memorials preferred to the Good Shepherd Hospice in honor of Suzanne Brown, 105 Arneson Ave, Auburndale, FL 33823
Published in Ledger on March 13, 2011
1 comment:
What a beautiful way you have with words. The story is so touching, I almost cried.
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